I am completely sober and just rediscovered the greatness that is cinnamon toast crunch. yeah yeah it's terrible for me but WOW I suddenly had all these flashbacks to sitting in my grandparents backyard in Ohio watching Chris swing on the tire swing and eating that as a special treat.
...need to get a job and invest some serious time into creating community here.

okay Circle of Life, if you are going to expand and need another teacher and I already volunteer there three days a week, logically you would pick me, RIGHT? I do everything the paid teachers do, I just am not on payroll. Potty training is an adventure. November already. One month, or more, of my six month commitment is already done. Who knows, this could turn into a job...
writing a ten year plan for class is stressful. I don't even know what I'll be doing next summer, there is no possible way I can figure out the next ten years.
Home for Thanks will be good for my heart. Figuring out pecan pie. Familiar faces. Tradition.

and then these three beautiful men lifted me out of this spiral that seemed to be heading towards depression.
'we both have these dark places our minds can go, but we can't let that stop us from pursuing whatever it is that will save our sanity and bring happiness. it's about making decisions with your whole heart, rather than out of fear. remember to be nice to yourself, love.'
'may life be smiling through you and around you. don't forget to laugh today'
'i would like to think i am a sunflower standing somewhere in the same field as you and our families and friends and friends' friends as we all continue trying to do the only thing we've ever known how to. just getting a bit closer to the sun.'
i just ate a third of a baguette. don't judge me.

'It is the nature of stone to be satisfied.
It is the nature of water to want to be somewhere else.
Everywhere we look: the sweet guttural swill of the water tumbling.
Everywhere we look: the stone, basking in the sun, or offering itself to the golden lichen.
It is our nature not only to see that the world is beautiful
but to stand in the dark, under the stars,
or at noon, in the rainfall of light,
frenzied, wringing our hands, half-mad,
saying over and over: what does it mean, that the world is beautiful-
what does it mean?
The child asks this, and the determined, laboring adult asks this-
both the carpenter and the scholar ask this,
and the fisherman and the teacher; both the right and the poor ask this
(maybe the poor more than the rich)
and the old and the very old, not yet having figured it out,
ask this
desperately
standing beside the golden-coated field rock,
or the tumbling water, or under the stars-
what does it mean?
what does it mean?'

Autumn here is full of magic, especially when you are experiencing the world holding hands with two 18 months olds crunching leaves.

UGHHHHHHH four hours of tattoo work almost made me cry. the natural response to physical pain is to shed tears. oye. i'll finish come thanks.
ilovesarahilovesarah
Why yes all of my new friends are under the age of ten, but they are genuine. so whatever. jolie holland, bellydance superstars, elevated entropies, devil makes three, regina spektor. it shall be a good month.
if you are not in PDX. I MISS YOU AND I LOVE YOU and I am working on living in the moment

'You asked me (not long ago) how to make new friends. And I think my response was you just talk to them. Let me tell you-that technique does not work for everyone. But whenever you used to ask 'How do you make new friends' (the general 'you' I assumed), I was always taken aback a little because everyone loves you. Seriously, they love you. So never be nervous about meeting new people, ever. Because you are so darn lovable its ridiculous.'
-I just dropped kale all over my keyboard-
Seven weeks later, I am still trying to realize that things like friendship take TIME. After SI, where two weeks in you knew everyone's life story (literally), my mind is not used to slow relationships blossoming. Having an open heart is the first step. Talk to people, initiate conversations. Believe I am just as good as anyone else.

'We do not really see through our eyes, or hear through our ears, but through our beliefs. To put our beliefs on hold is to cease to exist for a moment' We discussed values for three hours. For the first time in years, I look FORWARD to going to class. Pre-operational thought is what adults experience when tired, hungry, or too stressed to function properly. Basically, your mind reverts to its two year old self.

I joined the gym for the first time in my life, been 'climbing mountains' on the elliptical. Time to get in shape body. Sure has been long enough of NOT doing anything.

And I shall leave you with my favorite Hafiz poem

What is before you now is what you get to love now, however you might compare it with others. Every time you postpone loving until something better comes up, you are saying no to whatever is at hand. Loving is always this day, this moment, now-this person, this object this task. This one is always the right one to love because it is before you-The Art and Practice of Loving

You must have a complex cognition to be able to share, very young people don't yet grasp 'you' and 'me' -class today

Then one day I was walking along Tinker Creek thinking of nothing at all and I saw the tree with the lights in it. I saw the backyard cedar where the mourning doves roost charged and transfigured, each cell buzzing with flame. I stood on the grass with the lights in it, grass that was wholly fire, utterly focused and utterly dreamed. It was less like seeing than like being for the first time seen, knocked breathless by a powerful glance. The flood of fire abated, but I'm still spending the power. Gradually the lights went out in the cedar, the colors died, the cells un-flamed and disappeared. I was still ringing. I had been my whole life a bell, and never knew it until at that moment I was lifted and struck. I have since only very rarely seen the tree with the lights in it. The vision comes and goes, mostly goes, but I live for it, for the moment when the mountains open and a new light roars in spate through the crack, and the mountains slam.-Annie Dillard, Pilgrim At Tinker Creek

Human beings are often unable to receive because we do not know what to ask for. We are sometimes unable to get what we need because we do not know what we want. Human beings never feel that they have enough of anything. Oftentimes what we say we want is real in words only. If we ever understood the genuine desires of our hearts at any given moment, we might reconsider the things we waste our energy pining for. Love consumes its object voraciously. Consequently, we can only experience its shadow. Happiness does not last forever because we do not have the power to contain it. It has the appetite of a ferocious carnivore that has been starved for a long time-that is how much love and bliss and happiness there is in nature, in the place that was there before we existed in it. The power of nature exists in silence. Human words cannot encode meaning because human language has access only to the shadow of meaning.-Malidoma Some, Of Water And The Spirit

Nothing in any life, no matter how well or poorly lived, is wiser than failure or clearer than sorrow. And in the tiny precious wisdom they give to us, even those dreaded and hated enemies, suffering and failure, have their reason and their right to be. -David Gregory Roberts, Shantaram

$300 on textbooks, first time in a classroom after two years in five days.
Goodnight hugs are important to me. Found a neighborhood alter last night, sat with it and talked to the stars, tokens of hope, painted rocks, a finger puppet, about the future. Been writing down life goals. Time to start achieving them.

HAAA I look insane. First loaf of bread baked in Portland and a job interview. Good Friday. Been living off homemade pesto and kale mostly. Drank for the first time since the cleanse and woke up realizing my body cannot handle any amount of alcohol right now. So I will instead invest in delicious juices.
At a garage sale I found Medicine cards with book and the Prophet. Both played big parts during the spring SI trip. Todays card was Moose. 'If you have chosen Moose, you have reason to feel good about something you have accomplished on your journey. This may be a habit you have broken, a completion of some sort, an insight on a goal, or a new sense of self that you have fought hard to earn. It is a time of feeling harmonious pride, and of recognizing those who aided you in the process. One good exercise in Moose medicine is to write down things that you can love about yourself and your progress in life. Then apply these same things to friends, family, coworkers, and life. Don't forget to share the findings with others. They need the encouragement as much as you.'
Received a package from Willow yesterday containing an I ♥ Covelo button and seeds. sunflowers, cosmos, kale, coriander, marigolds... been missing emotional check ins lately
being far away from emily constantly is difficult. i got so used to sharing a city, holding hands as we walked late at night, tea dates, farmers markets... adjusting. letters travelling across state lines to update on life. phone conversations don't make sense. letters can be much more genuine. she is visiting in eight weeks and we are seeing regina spektor for sarahs birthday!

It is going to be a loonnnggg ten days, but my insides will be so very cleansed at the end!
Job hunting is a disaster. ALL I WANT TO DO IS BAKE BREAD. 'experience is necessary'


We picked blackberries and made jam last night. I enjoy fall.
Must start DOING things with my time.

Oak took this, on our last morning as a family. Life truly is better lived together, I don't remember what that motto was an advertisement for. Eleven months sure can change a life

I moved 626 miles a week ago, and I am genuinely happy with my life here. The future is uncertain, but so so bright.

'She walks through the garden with her hair down.
She is so small, there are miles and miles of vegetables.
They say, but you are leaving.
When the roots die, I will be dry inside.'
'Way to kill the mood, we couldn't have sung that at the party, unless we wanted everyone to drive home drunk and crying and unable to see the road clearly.'
-Anouk and Mogley. This can continue, we can carry love forward.


Okay universe, I'm ready to fall in love again.

I LOVE KAROLYN, and have been hearing about the making of this video for months


I may be the last person to have heard of Maru of everyone I know.


campcampcamp, how I miss you.

Spending two days with preschoolers reinforced that I want to spend my future working with them.

This change is unbelievable. If community can fall apart there...where can it succeed?

'May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. May your rivers flow without end, meandering through pastoral valleys tinkling with bells, past temples and castles and poets' towers into a dark primeval forest where tigers belch and monkeys howl, through miasmal and mysterious swamps and down into a desert of red rock, blue mesas, domes and pinnacles and grottos of endless stone, and down again into a deep vast ancient unknown chasm where bars of sunlight blaze on profiled cliffs, where deer walk across the white sand beaches, where storms come and go as lightning clangs upon the high crags, where something strange and more beautiful and more full of wonder than your deepest dreams waits for you --- beyond that next turning of the canyon walls.'-Edward Abbey

The past week has been wandering Boston mostly by myself. Discovering my favorite bench in the Public Garden, near the Make Way for Ducklings statues so always surrounded by giggling children. Stopped by every day, between lunch and various museums and getting lost in Cambridge. Realizing Boston is a small city, if you walk instead of taking the T, everything makes more sense. Ate a famous canolli(which I can't even spell) drank local beer, sort of watched a Red Sox game, you can see into Fenway from my cousins room...
Being here holds echos of three year ago. Life has changed drastically since then.
18, in love, depressed, drinking, full of uncertainty.This time, I'm looking forward to the future. There will be no suicide attempt after getting home from the wedding, or need to be in therapy from 9-5 everyday.And that, my friends, is a big mental accomplishment.
Meaningless hookups do nothing for self-esteem. SO, I am going to take Kelly Clarksons advice (nooo I do not hook up, i go sloooowwww)
Emily will be back in fifteen days!
SPRING IS BACK FROM NEW ZEALAND. There are a handful of people in Marin who make my heart happy who have been exploring for the past few months, maybe we can all go to the beach.
At 4, we drive back to New York. Seven hours, three girls, one minivan, not enough mix cds. To another outdoor nontraditional wedding. Being around my family is so happy. Surprisingly so. Wish I had grown up closer to them all, rather than 3000 miles away. We only visit for weddings and funerals these days.
Go listen to Family Farm by Chris Dorman.
Life is pretty damn good.

Hinterlands Saturday, New York Thursday, MOVING TO PORTLAND!!!!!!

22 in a week.

The end of April, 2008:There is no way a photograph will capture how melted snow flows over granite, everything worn smooth by the constant motion. Still snow to the southeast, and the southwest. Here we are in the middle, watching Panther Creek roar. My heart is expanding out here.



Part of a letter to myself, written on solo in May, mailed in January: Be fulfilled with the life you are choosing to live. Never forget these nine weeks. And LOVE YOURSELF.


I want to believe that we can change the world. Emily and I went to the Postsecret exhibit yesterday and it was a little heartbreaking. There was a table where people could write down their own as they left. I wish I could find who wrote one especially and hold their hand. That's the whole point, to know that you aren't alone.

'Each person who ever was or is or will be has a song. It isn't a song that anybody else wrote. It has its own melody, it has its own words. Very few people get to sing their own song. Most of us fear that we cannot do it justice with our voices, or that our words are too foolish or too honest or too odd. So people live their songs instead.'